Genuine Needs in the Primal Buddy Situation

A discussion on the needs of both partners in the buddy situation recently came up on the internet support groups. Here is an edited version of a message I posted on the Primal Support Group (PSG) and IPA Ewail in October 2003.

Hi Everyone,

Today I have been busy sorting out some stuff with one of my primal buddies regarding our use of the word “needy.” I thought the groups might find it helpful, as it is a very tricky area to work with. When I was at the Primal Institute, if a patient strongly expressed a need for a therapist or buddy, they were quickly branded as being a “needy person.” I believe that the PI and Primal Center have both changed their policy on this over the years and don’t use these words now. Unfortunately, the terminology still seems to be hanging around in therapy circles, especially among buddies, and often causes a lot of pain to the person who is most vulnerable.

In her book, Facing the Wolf, Theresa Sheppard Alexander discusses this phenomenon in some detail. She suggests that if such a label is used in therapy, it may be a reaction from the therapist who is afraid to enter into a transference relationship with the patient. Since neurosis is caused by never having our childhood needs met, being allowed to “need” support from a therapist, friend or buddy, and getting that need appropriately met, is probably one of the most important elements in the healing process.

Sadly, some of the old negative primal jargon is still around today and often emerges in buddy situations, where one buddy might accuse the other of being “needy” if they ask for frequent sessions or extra time. The paradox is that if a person’s genuine needs are unconditionally met, they will probably be able to resolve the pain of never having had their needs met in childhood, and will be well on the road to healing and having a sense of entitlement as well.

This is a problem we need to address though it seems that the word “needy” is no longer being bandied about as much. But the problem is still there, even if it is more heavily disguised under terms like “setting boundaries,” wanting others to “be there,” getting “cut off,” “not being heard,” “needing more space,” and other phrases which speak of the needs of both partners in a buddy situation.

Below is part of a letter I recently wrote to a primal buddy of mine as we were both seeking the means to be there for each other in a healthy way, without one of us feeling swamped and the other feeling afraid to express their needs for fear of being labeled “needy.”

In the last 24 hours we have both used the word “neediness” or “being needy.” That is a bad habit we learned in the 1970s <groan>. When we say that, we are giving ourselves or the other person a label and telling them what we think they “are” instead of how “we” feel. It tends to make the situation worse, as it hurts the other person and they get into a desperate struggle for the reassurance that they are not being rejected.

I would feel much safer if we could share with each other like this: “It sounds to me like you are hurting (or in pain) and ‘needing’ to be heard. Am I right? Would it help you to talk about it?” That describes a transient state that one of us is in. It doesn’t label or brand us “needy,” and it makes space for us to resolve the feelings and to change (which will usually happen if we give each other that kind of support).

If either of us is feeling swamped, we can tell the other person how we feel. For e.g., “It feels to me like you ‘need’ more from me than I can give you right now,” or, “At the moment I am feeling overloaded (busy, tired, etc.) and I ‘need’ some space, and to be allowed to get a break.” (Both people’s real needs are legitimate, and I appreciate that you are very good at expressing yours). If one of us is overloaded, maybe our “friend” can find another buddy in the meanwhile, and just share the connection afterwards to clear the air. Do you find that helpful? I do.

Thanks so much for understanding.